Congratulations! You are now a Doinketeer. This might be your first job, a temporary job, or the only job you’re able to get due to your criminal record and meth addiction. In any case, we welcome you to the Doink Burger family.
This manual is a tool for you to use throughout your employment at Doink Burger. It contains job requirements, wage lamentations, tips on sexual harassment in the workplace, and additional resources. The purpose of this manual is to provide you with practical and spiritual guidance in your time of need while working at Doink Burger. If this manual does not solve a problem or question you might have, well fuck, man. I dunno.
We hope that you are successful here at Doink Burger, and we hope to actualize your success by providing this new employee manual. Good luck!
Employee Job Requirements
Doink Burger has certain guidelines for each of our employees to follow.
New employees will be provided
- Non-Confrontational Yellow-Greige Work Shirt
- Nametag (Name not provided)
You must provide your own pants. Acceptable pants must cover the genital area and anus, and may not be any of the following
- Skinny jeans
- Fat jeans
- Mom jeans
- Wide-brimmed jeans
- Really the entire jean sphere
- Yoga pants, including Broga pants and other Yoga-substitute pants
- Running pants
- Hammer Pants
- Sickle pants
You are responsible for cleaning and maintaining your work uniform. If your work uniform is unacceptable, you may be asked to remove it and continue your shift.
All we ask is that you at some point bathe
You may receive monetary compensation for your employment. If so, your starting salary is the Massachusetts minimum Doink wage of $6.72/hr.
Te dan dos dólares por hora
Sexual Harassment in the workplace
Doink Burger strongly believes that sexual harassment is bad and you should only do it in you off-hours time. If someone is using their position of power over you to sexually harass you, please report it to your manager immediately.
Doink Burger requires the utmost loyalty from its employees. Never admit to wrongdoing on the part of Doink Burger or its policies.