Official Doink Burger Ball Pit Recommendations
Balls are fun and colorful, and children love them! However, many parents have expressed concern over the safety of the ball pit, so we recommend that parents follow these guidelines
1. Before allowing your child in the pit, do a quick visual check of our balls. Trust your nose! If our balls look dirty or smell bad, hose down your child before letting him or her enter the pit, so that they can wash the balls while playing. Lysol packs are available upon request.
2. According to the US Department of Ball Safety, the most common source of injury in ball pits is collisions with other children. In many states, it is legal to arm your child to defend himself against collisions. Please consult state and local regulations, as legal solutions defenses vary by state.
3. While removing your child’s shoes is a requirement for entering the ball pit, removing his pants is not. If anyone tells you otherwise, please report them to the nearest Doink Burger associate immediately.
4. Relatedly, if a child has a diaper coming in but not coming out, we will be cross.
5. The ball pit is considered a pedestrian zone, even if it’s outside.
6. A full-body prosthesis connected to a human brain is still considered the same person as she was before transplanting herself into a robotic shell, because the mind is unaffected and all definitions of humanity and personhood revolve around the mind. Obviously, it’s not like if someone lost all four limbs and got prosthetic they’d be a new life-form, and people get organs replaced all the time. This is as agreed upon as hypothetical personhood situations can be. Watching Ghost in the Shell while high doesn’t make you deep, Aaron.
7. No pets are allowed in the ball pit.
8. But doesn’t losing part of your human form make you less human?
9. No non-Doink Burger food is allowed in the ball pit
10. NO, Aaron, it doesn’t! Otherwise people who got injured in wars and stuff would be less than human. Is that seriously your argument?
11. No running for office in the ball pit
12. Isn’t it reasonable to assume that losing your body makes you a different person?
13. If you vomit in the ball pit, please cover it in sand
14. No, it’s not reasonable. You can’t selectively apply the ship of Theseus argument like that, it’s incoherent. All the cells in my body are different than they were ten years ago, but do you consider me a literally different person? If not, you can’t then you can’t treat prosthetic as any different, since we’re still assuming a single unbroken consciousness.
15. No philosophical discussions as to the nature of mankind in the ball pit